Sean Hannity
Sean Hannity is one of the exemplars of all that is patriotic, manly, and FOX-y; in short, Sean is all American, all the time. As very angry young man Hannity began life in the hardscrabble streets of Long Island. After a brief stint as a construction worker, he started his career in radio at the University of California-Santa Barbara. There, he showed his dedication to Compassionate Conservatism by saying that homosexuality wasn't normal (unless you're Hal Turner) and telling a lesbian that he felt sorry for her child, despite being a former altar boy who was very "well-known" by many priests. After one angry phone call from the Liberal media headquarters, the station fired Sean. The ACLU briefly forced him to take the job back, but he bravely and eventually refused. Hannitizing America Sean went on to become Roger Ailes' personal fluffer. Ailes was so impressed by Sean's abilities that he rewarded him with his own show on the greatest network known to man or God: Fox News Channel. Sean is a founding father of the “Great Americans”, an organization whose elite membership must have a below 10th grade education, an odd number of teeth, a well-cloaked aversion to blacks, gays and Hispanics, and a burning desire to sniff men’s underwear in the hamper at the gym. “Great Americans” identify themselves through their introductions eg. “Sean, yer a Great American”. Sean also has his own show, Hannity's America, where he lets freedom ring for an entire hour and then identifies the Hate America Firsters and the Freedom Haters in a segment at the end of his show called Enemy of the Week. Chief among Sean's enemies is Barack Hussein Obama; Sean is justly outraged that a black man with money socialist has hijacked America, and strives every day to give it back to white men with money Real Americans. Hannity doesn't need a fancy college education or any journalistic experience to be an expert on every issue that he comments on. For example, he doesn't need to be waterboarded in order to know in his gut that it isn't torture, and that following up on his promise to go through the process would only take valuable airtime away from his incisive coverage of Obama putting Dijon mustard on his burger. Unlike his bald man-crush surrogate daddy mentor Rush Limbaugh, Hannity has a lush head of firmly bolted hair that generally gives him between 1.5 - 1.8 inches of forehead. However, the rest of Hannity's body is completely hairless. Feats of Hannitude Next to Stephen and The Greatest President Ever, Hannity has the world's largest penis, a sure sign that he is a true freedom loving American. I know this because I saw all three of them having a pissing contest in a men's restroom once. Contrary to allegations made by Democrats and puppy killers, Sean does not steal the content of his show from The Greatest President’s talking points. The president steals his talking points from the content of Sean Hannity’s shows, which is entirely borrowed from the magnificent brain of Dr. Stephen Colbert. In much the same way that God used Jesus to make America, Stephen uses Sean to provide truthiness to the president's talking points. Help For Online Lovers Sean has his own Web dating service made exclusively for conservatives called Hannidate.http://web1.hannity.com/hannidate/ Current registered users include Ken Mehlman, Jeff Gannon, Ted Haggard and Mark Foley. Sean Hannity Trivia * Sean melted down the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia to build the unstoppable locomotive that is the "Stop Hillary Express." * Sean has the ability to "Hannitize" his viewers, a complicated process that involves slowly shrinking the viewer's cerebral cortex until everything in the world looks black and white. This "Hannitization" can also reverse the brainwashing effect of the Communist Manifesto. * Sean received an honorary degree from Jerry Falwell's Liberty University, which means he's educated in the discipline of truthiness. *As a result of Sean's incalculably high IQ, behavior that would appear confusing and contradictory to regular people makes perfect sense to him. For example, he claimed in 1999 that he was opposed to the war in Kosovo because he felt "innocent people are going to die for nothing" and that "We've hurt the people we thought we were going to help", while criticizing Barack Obama in 2007 for saying that the military was "air-raiding villages and killing civilians" as harmful to the nation and the troops. To a lay person, this behavior may seem hypocritical or partisan, but that is merely because they lack Hannity's in depth nuances of the nature of the Universe. *Hannity once ate a whole puppy, while alive, and afterward burned down an orphanage. *Hannity is now Bill O'Reilly's falafel *Chased by an angry mob of Ron Paul supporters while covering the presidential primaries in New Hampshire. This was because Paul and his supporters do not have truthiness glands and to stay alive must try to maul the biggest one close to them. *Sean Hannity will not sit there and listen to your talking points. * He was only at the Bunny Ranch to find out how to get away from there. http://www.bunnyranch.com/phpAlbum/main.php?cmd=album&var1=Sean+Hannity/&var2=0 See Also *Bill O'Reilly *Geraldo Rivera *John Gibson *Tony Snow *Chris Wallace References External Sources *Wikipedia's shrine *Click to get a Sean Hannity background for your desktop - FREE! (Before installing, please be sure to Photoshop Colmes out of the picture.) * Sean Will Allow Himself Be Waterboarded For Charity * Facebook tube! *Hannity for 2012 *Sean Hannity is God